April 22nd, 2006

Time: 11:46 am

I'm psyched about the NQA (No Questions Asked) improv show tonight. It's going to be soo funny (I went last year and it was uproariously funny). There's a 7:30 (which fireangel40k is MC-ing!!) and a 9:30. Other lj-ers in it are pinkhypnosis and peacockangel. Go and have a good time!

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April 16th, 2006

Tags: luke, pointless work, work Current Music: Led Zepplin--D'Yer Make'R Subject: Emma=insane in the membrane Time: 07:59 pm Current Mood: drained

Today, every moment has been consumed by my paper. I'm a second semester senior--this is abject cruelty! Yesterday, I had a good day. I mean, the tech-rehearsal was scary as all fuck, but it went better than I thought it would. So..yay-ish. And, quality evening-time w/Luke made the day MUCH better. A life in the theatre is so stressful! Too bad that I wasted Friday working and Sunday working, and seem not to have gotten all that much done. I estimate that my paper is going to be nine pages, and I've only completed five. OMG, this is so nuts. I also developed a fever yesterday afternoon, brought it down, felt much better, woke up today with a fever, and now I don't have one anymore. Instead of this fever-yoyo, I would much rather have a fever for a bit longer and then NOT be sick anymore. This makes zero sense to me. Also, I have become so neurotic that writing about plays upsets me because I don't have enough time to discuss everything that I want to. I find myself sad when I have to move on to another play, rather than happy that I've come closer to finishing the paper. summersummersummersummersummer--for me it's already summersummersummersummer

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April 6th, 2006

Subject: Because I can't lj-cut or use computers... Time: 07:24 pm

I am having trouble with my computer, well with Roxio Easy CD Creator 5. My tech skills are EXTREMELY limited and that's the only music software I have, arg! Well, I recorded a song from a cd, but I need to edit the track. On the "tracks" pull-down menu, it says "Sound Editor" but it's not highlighted and for the life of me I can't get it to work. Is it impossible with this software for me to edit?

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March 29th, 2006

Time: 01:31 pm Current Mood: enthralled

I just got back from Florida a few hours ago, and I have a slight (emphasis on slight) tan. I also got a bunch of college mail. I'm not going into all the details, but I got into my number one choice: Northwestern University. Yay! Emma=delirious. So...I'm very emotionally mixed up...I MUST go shower.

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March 12th, 2006

Subject: NEEDS A LAPTOP! Time: 06:11 pm

ATTENTION: I need to get a laptop. My mom wants me to wait until the summer, but I want a chance to get used to it and work on it, etc. So....I have no idea what type to buy. I am not too skilled in the technological area, so yeah...I have no idea. My dad has made some suggestions which sound reasonable, but I could use input. I want: -light enough to carry around (and those of you who know me know that that doesn't mean too heavy...) -a cd and dvd player and burner -microsoft word (duh) -wireless internet access -ability to play mp3, cd, and dvd -some accolades like power point, the spelling dictionary in french (seriously, this part is essential, maybe some lite video editing/making I don't want it too huge and heavy, but I want to be able to run a few projects and have it go at faster than a snail's pace. So...if anyone has suggestions/ideas, they would be VERY GREATLY appreciated!

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March 8th, 2006

Subject: WOW. Just wow... Time: 12:15 am Current Mood: annoyed

Ok...I was already in a bad mood because I'm tired, I snorted too much caffiene, I threw up at school, my English class is peopled by MORONS, and I have a headache. I was checking my email and I got the NT Symphony Orchestra/Concert Choir "Tour Essentials" email. Certain things stood out to me as especially moronic: Carrying money in a fanny-pack type thing. Do they HONESTLY think that ANYONE will do that!? Cell phones must be on vibrate at all times. WELL, when we're sight-seeing or at dinner and our cell phone isn't attached to us and is in this thing called a purse, YOU HAVE TO HAVE IT RING OR ELSE YOU WON'T HEAR THAT YOUR FRIEND GOT SEPERATED FROM YOU AND IS BEING ASS-RAPED IN AN ALLY. OH WELL... "Even hand-holding causes problems" (that's a direct quote). Ok, if you're advanced enough to be in an upper-level high school music ensemble and can be trusted with your peers in New York city, and have GONE TO SCHOOL for a few days minumum, YOU'D BE ABLE TO HANDLE SOME FUCKING HAND-HOLDING. Yes, PLEEEEEEEEEZE refrain from copulating in public, that I agree with. BUT HAND-HOLDING? If they're offended by HAND-HOLDING, then they'll ADORE the tour of Times Square (when I was there last I met a naked cowboy painted in silver...). Yeah.... That is all, I'm tired.

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March 3rd, 2006

Time: 05:57 pm

I got into a safety school...a slapped-together application to Case Western Reserve University. Yay...first acceptance!! We'll see if I get anymore...

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January 9th, 2006

Tags: love, stress, work Current Music: Led Zepplin-Dancin Days Time: 07:36 pm Current Mood: exhausted

I don't know if I've been this stressed out in a while. School is giving me hell. I'm so excited about my directing project, but I'm sooo worried about Advanced Acting. I'm not doing well in Math and it's my only non-AP and so that can't really happen. AP Bio I have a B- and it's going to fall to a C b/c I won't do well on the final (I have trouble with finals often, particularily math and science finals). And then I won't get into college. I'm not getting the top grades I should in English, even though I write good papers, I understand the material, and my teacher writes praising comments. It's always "This is a great paper: 7" (out of 9, AP scale). OK, last year, I didn't get A SINGLE EIGHT. EVERYTHING WAS A NINE. I know that B-Jo wasn't a very hard teacher, but the AP exam is proof: I got a five and B-Jo said I did hella good (ok, not those exact words) but still. I'm sick of this. And, French might hurt me because I literally (no joke) fall asleep in class/never pay attention. My grades will go down and I won't get into college and I'll get the whole "You're not working up to your potential" bit and I'm fucking sick of that because I'm always tired. I've been falling asleep at six o'clock for two hours and then starting my homework, when it's late and I'm groggy. I can't believe it. I look back and I used to have it so under control. Freshman and sophmore year, my grades were almost perfect. Freshman year I had all As and one B+. Sophmore year, I had all As and a B- (4 level chem was uber hard!!). Junior year mostly As, 2B+s. My grades are in a DOWNWARD TREND! Ack! And it's because I'm sick and tired of working. Freshman and sophmore year I never procrastinated and I was fine with working hard. Well, not anymore. Ok...Rant=finished. In reflection, I realize how happy I am about my relationship. That sounds corny and stupid, but whatever. I have some previous experiences which really enable me to see how lucky I am now. I know that it's not about how much sex you have, it's not about how many places you've blown a guy (or how many guys...), it's not about how young you were when you started (although it seems to come back and bite you in the ass...or me), it's not about picking the guy that will give you a good time. I don't know everything about relationships (how humble, dear me...), but I do know it's about having someone to love. Someone to share things with who shares things with you. Someone at your side, holding you close even when you're in a bad mood (and in my case ripping someone's head off). There's something more. I think I have that. Now, nothing in my life is perfect, but I always find that my relationship is something to be thankful for. Something to smile about. With so much currently going wrong, I'm so glad that I have a relationship that I feel wonderful about. And friends. Oh, you people. You offer me other things to smile (or roll my eyes) about. Well...enough ranting and raving for me. SO MUCH WORK TO DO!!!

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December 30th, 2005

Current Music: Sex and the City--great background for work Time: 10:15 pm Current Mood: tired

I'm back from San Diego. Desperately scrambling to figure out my new years plans as I can't go to my huge Cherub sleep over: it's in Glen Ellyn and my parents don't want me sleeping over at a house they don't know, but they don't want me to drive back home at like 3 in the morning with so many plastered people on the road. Oh well...I have plans that seem like they'll work. So, San Diego was relaxing and I liked seeing my Gramp, but I didn't get tan! It was in the low 60s and slightly overcast everyday. BUT I go six inches cut on my hair, and I looove the short(er) look. And I went to a spa and got a fabulous professional massage, facial, and manicure! I also got two pairs of jeans (size 0!!!!!). So, it was a score overall. However, I'm not able to sleep anymore. I haven't slept in over a week. I don't know what's going on, maybe it's because I've temporarily stopped drinking coffee and my body hasn't adjusted. Oh well. I know that New Year's resolutions are really stupid, but I am going to try and do better accepting situations and people for what/who they are and not getting too, too bent out of shape when things don't go my way. It'll be a really hard, and I probably won't do a good job with this...but I'm going to try. Happy Almost New Years EVERYONE!

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December 22nd, 2005

Current Music: "Got me wrong"-Alice in Chains (fitting) Subject: A realization Time: 09:27 pm Current Mood: determined

I'm used to my Mom saying that I am "mean spirited" and that I have a "mean streak". Surprisingly, I don't have a problem with this--I don't think it is out of control, and although I can be very bitingly nasty, I don't consider myself a malicious person. But, I realized something with the help of something my Mother said today and something Luke said a little while ago. I'm not happy when things don't go the way I think they should...and I can react pretty harshly. I realize that this is a flaw, I have a lot of trouble accepting things when they don't go the way I want them to. This isn't the right way to view things, but I've been this way my whole life and I don't know how to change. I also find myself constantly be disappointed when I think that things should turn out better than they do. I also have difficulties, at times, accepting people's faults. I'm just not an accepting person. I feel horrible about it, lacking in compassion is a pretty grave thing. I used to be so caring, so sweet, so compassionate, so shy--I never would've been mean to anyone. But people change, and this change was too drastic. A negative trait of mine got magnified and now applies to everything I do. It's wrong and I don't know how to change. So, because of how damaging this may be to others (or maybe not) and because I don't know how to fix it, I have to go into hiatus. I mean, with all the work I've had, I'm kind of there already. But this will be self imposed. Yeah, I care deeply about my friends, but this is for them and for me. So, other than a VERY few people, I think I'm going to sort go inside myself until I can work some things out. I don't know how long this will take, I don't know if I can change, I don't know if it matters, I don't know if anyone cares. But this is for me, too. SO...this overly dramatic post is going to end, and with it, my (minimal) social life as I know it. Maybe I'll decide this is ridiculous in a bit, but I don't think so. I think this has been inside for a while, and I'm getting ready to confront it. I always thought that I was a really happy person. I've always considered myself a happy person. But lately, some major issues have been brought to my attention, things that won't just go away, things that have been hurting for a long time. I'm ready to try and face them. I have to try and face them. I'm hoping to privatize MOST of the entries in my journal from now on. Most. I've disabled commenting--don't bother. Alright, enough.

December 21st, 2005

Current Music: Led Zepplin Time: 04:58 pm Current Mood: annoyed

OMG so I went back to this essay about French and I realized I've been writing it IN french, it's not just about french! SHIT!

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Tags: stress, work Current Music: "Heartbreaker"-Led Zepplin Time: 04:36 pm Current Mood: blah

Work, work, work Around it goes When it ends Nobody knows I'm not loving this break thus far, and by the time I LESSEN my work load, I'll be away. At least it will be sunny and relaxing. Oh well. Taking a break from work I started to pack (I'm almost done--I leave Saturday morning) and I was reminded that I pack WAAAY too much: I think I've packed around 20 shirts and I'm gone for seven days...wow I just really want to go have fun, but I still feel sick and I have too much work I got a huge 4 disc Led Zepplin collection for Channukah (my parents gave it to me early b/c I've been sick for so long!)LOOOVE I know that this is a whiney post, it's all I'm capable of now I told my Mom that I hoped my doctor results came back really bad so that I wouldn't have to keep working and I could go enjoy myself. She said that if they came back saying something terrible she'd be even LESS likely to let me leave the house. I just can't win... I used to have a life, until winter break came around. Does this make sense??

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December 20th, 2005

Current Music: Bad Company Time: 07:25 pm Current Mood: crazy

I didn't get my ears pierced. This day has gone from bad to worse. I'm behind on my work and when I was going to the doctor to get my ears pierced, I threw up. And, it wasn't nerves, it means I'm still kinda sick. So, instead of getting pierced I had to get three or four tubes of blood taken, pee in a cup, and "breathe in" for about TWENTY FUCKING MINUTES. I HATE DOCTOR'S OFFICES!! I HATE THEM HATE THEM HATE THEM HATE THEM!! This day is a bad dream, teen drama, sick, twisted insanity! ARG. This is what almost all work, not enough play, and being sick for over two weeks does to me. And it's not pretty. And I'm NEVER not pretty.

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December 18th, 2005

Current Music: Mighty Nice Mix! Time: 11:51 pm Current Mood: blank

What does it say about me when the song I currently identify with most and want to sing/belt all the time is "I Just Can't Wait to be King" from the Lion King?? I'm gonna be mighty king so enemies beware! I'm gonna be the "mane" event like no king was before I'm brushing up, I'm looking down I'm working on my roar ... This is odd...Oh well! EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK I'M STANDING IN SPOTLIGHT! OH I JUST CAN'T WAIT TO BE KING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Or Queen...although I totally already am... I feel like saying something about asking the gods to unsex me now..but I don't think I want that. I don't think my boyfriend does, either. This is an odd post. And now I'm listening to the song "Rock Candy Mountain"--these lyrics are WAY weird... "One evening as the sun went down And the jungle fires were burning, Down the track came a hobo hiking, He said, "Boys, I'm not turning I'm heading for a land that's far away Beside the crystal fountain I'll see you all this coming fall In the Big Rock Candy Mountain Chorus Chorus: Oh the buzzin' of the bees In the cigarette trees Near the soda water fountain At the lemonade springs Where the bluebird sings In the Big Rock Candy Mountain, It's a land that's fair and bright, The handouts grow on bushes And you sleep out every night. The boxcars all are empty And the sun shines every day I'm bound to go Where there ain't no snow Where the sleet don't fall And the winds don't blow In the Big Rock Candy Mountain. Chorus In the Big Rock Candy Mountain You never change your socks And little streams of alkyhol Come trickling down the rocks O the shacks all have to tip their hats And the railway bulls are blind There's a lake of stew And gingerale too And you can paddle All around it in a big canoe In the Big Rock Candy Mountain Chorus In the Big Rock Candy Mountain The cops have wooden legs The bulldogs all have rubber teeth And the hens lay soft-boiled eggs The farmer's trees are full of fruit And the barns are full of hay I'm bound to go Where there ain't no snow Where the sleet don't fall And the winds don't blow In the Big Rock Candy Mountain. Chorus In the Big Rock Candy Mountain, The jails are made of tin. You can slip right out again, As soon as they put you in. There ain't no short-handled shovels, No axes, saws nor picks, I'm bound to stay Where you sleep all day, Where they hung the jerk That invented work In the Big Rock Candy Mountain Chorus" I don't know that I really want to go to the Big Rock Candy Mountain...

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December 13th, 2005

Tags: stress Current Music: Aladdin soundtrack Time: 07:22 pm Current Mood: anxious

WHY IS IT STILL TUESDAY!?!?!?! AHHHHH!!!! Ok, well...I KNOW that we shouldn't live life wanting the next day to come and the next and the next b/c we miss the "wonder of the moment" but right now the moments are NOT WONDERFUL. I don't want to take more tests. I don't want to do more homework. I want to see friends and then go to sunny California. I want to know about Early Decision. I want to send in the rest of my applications (which I haven't done even though some are finished). I WANT ALL OF THIS TO BE OVER. I want to take a sebatical. No, not just a "break": a sebatical. I will study/apply the art of relaxtion--I'm anxious to learn what it entails because I SEEM TO HAVE FORGOTTEN! Ok, breathe...breathing...breathing...hyperventalating! My grades are going to shit. This is not fun, no it is not. And, I can't stand that other people are learning about ED and I'm not! Why, why do they do this. They mailed notifications Monday afternoon. UGH! MONDAY AFTERNOON I WAS ALREADY WORRIED ABOUT IT! I CAN'T WAIT ANY LONGER!! I understand that patience is a virtue, it's just a virtue I seem to be lacking. I'm so stressed that I can't do work! I feel ill and my mind darts around and I get upset and I want to take my third shower of the day now. WHY? WHY? WHY? Well, at least my parents are open to my insane gap-year ideas...I actually think it'd be really cool if I got to do any of the things I'm perusing. But, it's not likely; what are the odds my Mom will let me live in Cambodia or the Congo or the Coate d'Ivoire or Algeria or Sudan for a year?? Cambodia is most def. my first choice. I can dance in the sun, help people, and stuff my pockets full of orchids. Hmm...updating this is making me think too much about my future. I'm stressed. So I'm going to take another shower now.

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December 10th, 2005

Tags: college, school, stress Current Music: 311 Subject: STRESS! Time: 04:56 pm Current Mood: scared

I know I haven't updated in a while (I've actually been trying to procrastinate less) but this update is going to serve as a stress-relief vent. I have soooo much work to do right now and I'm totally freaked. Next week is going to be soo terrible. I still haven't applied to my other schools b/c I haven't had time to do the suppliments (and if I don't get in ED I'm totally screwed b/c of how late everything will end up being). I have three huge tests next week and so much work to do. I'm gonna find out about ED and that is such a scary prospect. Then, I'll have to do a lot of work over break (and I'm soo tired). Then, we come back and I have five finals. FIVE. I don't want to take five finals: they're gonna be so hard! I thought that this year would be easier than last. Well, it's not. It's just not. I am so stressed that I can hardly even focus. My stomach hurts because of how nervous I am and I've had a headache for about two weeks--continuously. I don't know how to make it. Ack!

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December 4th, 2005

Current Music: Cream live! Subject: URGH! Time: 11:30 pm Current Mood: distressed

Quite a few people have been asking me some sensitive questions about the future (collge, etc.) and I'm really getting sick of it. There are certain things that I really don't want to deal with right now: about my academic and "social" futures. I really don't want to hear it anymore. I propose a sort of boycott of questions dealing with the future. Some are ok, but they should be filtered and limited. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way and I'm just really sick of it. So, let's all try and refrain from asking some of these abhorrant questions!

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Current Music: none Time: 02:45 pm Current Mood: angry

Many, if not all of you, will be reading The Stranger by Albert Camus translated by Matthew Ward in your English classes. And, if you don't know French, you'll read his fabulous translator's note and you'll adore him. His idea of Americanizing Camus' work and stripping away inaccurate connotations and excess information is right on--it's fabulous. So, if you don't read French, you won't feel betrayed. But I read French, I speak French: I love French and I adore this book. Ward's got it wrong. He does a better job with the translation than any previous English translation, but so what? AMERICANS DESERVE BETTER. He cops out, he fucks up what he says he'll do. I found his bio on the internet; he took French for 1 and 1/2 years. He speaks Spanish and English. He wasn't even a philosophy major in college! Who should translate this brilliant work: a Spanish-speaking American who has not studied philosophy, barely knows French, and majored in Anglo-American literature in college (as Stanford and in Dublin) OR a French and English speaking American who has read MANY of Camus' works in French, who adores philosophy, and who has internalized the cadences and rhythms of French and who has an intimate familiarity with both languages?? WHO? That's right: ME. ME ME ME. Matthew Ward, you did ok...but that's not good enough. In reality, your translation is a failure. Maybe publishers will refuse to publish my translation because yours is "close enough", because lots of people respect that your translation is "more accurate than the others", because you're also a poet (supposedly). But, even if I'm the only one who has the privilege of seeing The Stranger as it should have been done--I do see it, I will see it, and I know that you have failed. That I can and have done better. I will do my utmost to give the English-speaking world that same privilege. By settling for your "sufficiently acceptable" translation, we are insulting one of the greatest philosophers of all time. I will not be a party to that. I respect Camus--his philosophy and his language--too much for that.

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Time: 12:12 am

75% BLONDE. Yeah, you're pretty ditzy! You do quite alot of stupid things, and you're kinda slow. w00t. THE BLONDE TEST brought to you by Quizilla And I thought that these weren't accurate! hahahahahahahahahahaha

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December 3rd, 2005

Current Music: "Grind" Alice in Chains Time: 11:32 pm Current Mood: bitchy

OK, so everyone realizes that I'm a HUGE bitch. That's right. EVERYONE. Well, I'm going to be an even bigger one RIGHT NOW. A few people have lately been driving me insane. It's gotten impossible for me to deal with them. And, although my patience is about as long as a restaurant toothpick, I'm not the only one who feels this way. I have some friends that I hardly ever see and that makes me sad. Now, some of the people that I DO see are making me crazy (although this implies that I wasn't crazy earlier--which is an absolute lie). But, if you push yourself to imagine that I have an even weaker grasp of reality than previously (yes, I swear it's possible), then you'll understand how I feel. I feel like a horrible person recounting other occasions during which I've felt similarly. I'm ashamed that I just can't let go, and that I hold onto things for future "grudge-value" (not conscientously). I realize that I've been retreating from my friends, but I view it as a survival tactic. If I limit my exposure to them, our friendship will survive. Part of me feels so guilty: continually getting annoyed with them, deliberately not telling them things because I don't want them to have too much access into my life and because I don't want to turn into a more self-absorbed person. I do, I feel horrible. And, then, I feel fine. There's only so much I can tolerate. Someone who participates in conversations only about herself, and makes something about her if it clearly isn't or just stops paying attention is annoying. It's human to do a lot of that, I understand this. But a good friend, a truly good friend, will let some things be about someone else. Ugh... This whole entry has been me bitching. So, there was a lot of snow. I got cold. My new translation of The Stranger by Camus is going well, I'm hoping to submit it for publication by the end of the summer. (That probably won't happen-but I am happy with how it's goig). Wouldn't it be cool to have a book, even as a translator!? Saw Anatomy of Gray--good work for Freshman and Sophomores. I'm "writing the review" (ie writing this update while occasionally looking at my theatre notes) right now. Well, how was everyone else's day? Who is excited about the holidays? No matter what, it'll never be all about me! NOT EVEN ON MY CRAPTASTIC LJ!

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